Polymyositis

Never heard of it until it changed my life.

An autoimmune disorder that left me...well, dependent on others.

It's hard to believe that I'm in the 9th month of having been diagnosed. I know that I've come a long way. I can walk again, albeit with a cane or walker, only for short distances, and my gait is not normal. I can lift my arms over my head now, just can't hold them there. I can dress myself, cook meals, etc...it all takes me a lot longer than it use to take me and I've had to learn ways to compensate for things I can't do (such as sitting down to pull slacks on b/c I can't lift my legs)

Still can't get up myself when I fall. Still can't do stairs well. But, at least I can stand up from my own couch now. Still can't lift things that are too heavy (i.e. a gallon of milk).

I should be thrilled at the progress. And, I am. I know that I've come a really long way in the last 9 months. But, it still bothers me to hear people say how well I'm doing or how well I look, etc. I am well compared to 9 months ago. I am not well compared to 10 months ago...or a year ago...or any other amount of time.

My doctor told me that she really didn't think I'd ever walk again...that the damage was too much. So, in that respect I should be thrilled that I can walk, even with a walker or a cane, for short distances.

But, I want so much more back.

This polymyositis has changed so much. My physical limitations are just part of it. The medications have changed my appearance and have caused mood swings (depression and anger both). I am clumsy now. I am more forgetful, or so it seems to me. Easily irritated. Fatigued all the time. So many things that just are not me, but now they are.

I don't like anything about the person I've become b/c of this diagnosis.

And, I can't say this to anyone b/c ...well, b/c I *should* be thankful b/c I'm doing so well and much better than anyone ever thought I'd be doing.