The Fight is Gone

I can't deal with anything more. I'm at my limit.

If I have another year like the last 1 1/2 have been...heck, if I have another day that is similar to the last 1 1/2 years.

I've lost my son, for all purposes. He won't speak to us about 90% of the time. He's always had problems, but now he seems like a totally different person in many ways.

My career...what can I say, 9 1/2 years with one place...to see the entire company just crumble has been heartbreaking.

I love doing foster care and can't do it any longer. I miss it more than I thought I would, really. I love having kids all around...and being busy running here and there.

And, I want my health back...to walk normally, to be able to lift things, clean my own house, take long walks, run, etc etc.

It's all gone and out of my reach. I no longer know what my purpose is in life. I no longer have a purpose in life. And, I don't want to live this life. I'm not going to live this life. I give up. The fight is over.

Life Changes

Yesterday was my last day at a job I've had for the last 9.5 years. It was an "interesting" day. The place has changed so much. It isn't the same place anymore. It was rather sad thinking back over the years and seeing how far the company came and then watching it's fall these last few months. I hope that they can pull through with the new owners.

So much in life has changed over the last year. It's amazing...work, home, children, health. So many losses.

When Life Revolves around numbers

It feels like my life revolves around the numbers that come back on my labs. Labs tell me how much medication that I'm going to have to take for the next week. Then, labs again. Then, adjust meds. and the cycle continues.

I'm accepting, starting to accept, that this will just be life for now on...life with Polymyositis.

Accepting it. Not liking it. In fact hating it more and more each day.