A wish list to Santa

This story makes me so sad. So sad that a child's Christmas wish has to be that she is safe and loved...not hurt and used through out her life. Sad that this is the only way a child can find help.

Thank you to that teacher that didn't turn her head the other way...who bothered to get involved.

May this child go to sleep tonight knowing she is safe and loved. May God be with her, keep her protected.

The Fight is Gone

I can't deal with anything more. I'm at my limit.

If I have another year like the last 1 1/2 have been...heck, if I have another day that is similar to the last 1 1/2 years.

I've lost my son, for all purposes. He won't speak to us about 90% of the time. He's always had problems, but now he seems like a totally different person in many ways.

My career...what can I say, 9 1/2 years with one place...to see the entire company just crumble has been heartbreaking.

I love doing foster care and can't do it any longer. I miss it more than I thought I would, really. I love having kids all around...and being busy running here and there.

And, I want my health back...to walk normally, to be able to lift things, clean my own house, take long walks, run, etc etc.

It's all gone and out of my reach. I no longer know what my purpose is in life. I no longer have a purpose in life. And, I don't want to live this life. I'm not going to live this life. I give up. The fight is over.

Life Changes

Yesterday was my last day at a job I've had for the last 9.5 years. It was an "interesting" day. The place has changed so much. It isn't the same place anymore. It was rather sad thinking back over the years and seeing how far the company came and then watching it's fall these last few months. I hope that they can pull through with the new owners.

So much in life has changed over the last year. It's amazing...work, home, children, health. So many losses.

When Life Revolves around numbers

It feels like my life revolves around the numbers that come back on my labs. Labs tell me how much medication that I'm going to have to take for the next week. Then, labs again. Then, adjust meds. and the cycle continues.

I'm accepting, starting to accept, that this will just be life for now on...life with Polymyositis.

Accepting it. Not liking it. In fact hating it more and more each day.

Broken hearts

My daughter returned home from a week long camp. She looked so sad and started crying. She cried, hard, for the next couple of hours. She fell hard for one of the college - age counselors. She does that every year at camp.

I think its cute, to an extent. However, I'm also a bit worried. M takes someone (a boy) being friendly to mean so much more. She's only 11, but she's been like that ever since she came to live with me at 5. She needs to learn the difference between friends and boyfriends! I've talked and talked about it, but she still takes any friendly gesture to heart.

Polymyositis

Never heard of it until it changed my life.

An autoimmune disorder that left me...well, dependent on others.

It's hard to believe that I'm in the 9th month of having been diagnosed. I know that I've come a long way. I can walk again, albeit with a cane or walker, only for short distances, and my gait is not normal. I can lift my arms over my head now, just can't hold them there. I can dress myself, cook meals, etc...it all takes me a lot longer than it use to take me and I've had to learn ways to compensate for things I can't do (such as sitting down to pull slacks on b/c I can't lift my legs)

Still can't get up myself when I fall. Still can't do stairs well. But, at least I can stand up from my own couch now. Still can't lift things that are too heavy (i.e. a gallon of milk).

I should be thrilled at the progress. And, I am. I know that I've come a really long way in the last 9 months. But, it still bothers me to hear people say how well I'm doing or how well I look, etc. I am well compared to 9 months ago. I am not well compared to 10 months ago...or a year ago...or any other amount of time.

My doctor told me that she really didn't think I'd ever walk again...that the damage was too much. So, in that respect I should be thrilled that I can walk, even with a walker or a cane, for short distances.

But, I want so much more back.

This polymyositis has changed so much. My physical limitations are just part of it. The medications have changed my appearance and have caused mood swings (depression and anger both). I am clumsy now. I am more forgetful, or so it seems to me. Easily irritated. Fatigued all the time. So many things that just are not me, but now they are.

I don't like anything about the person I've become b/c of this diagnosis.

And, I can't say this to anyone b/c ...well, b/c I *should* be thankful b/c I'm doing so well and much better than anyone ever thought I'd be doing.

Camp

M just left for a summer camp. She'll be gone for the week. She was so excited to go, asking to pack over a week ago! She'll be going to church camp later this month, too. I'm already missing her, though.

A new blog

Lets see how long I keep blogging here.